ardent | 010. [Action for Dangan House/Text]

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010. [Action for Dangan House/Text]

[ACTION]

[His first thought upon waking up is that he doesn't know where he is.

His body tenses immediately on that bed in the basement, jolting sharply awake as though he's been startled by something, as though he's just been sleeping and he's had a hell of a nightmare; his eyes are wide, his gaze shifting around the room as though he's trying to get some idea of his surroundings and what's happening around him, and he might just look disoriented if it weren't for the fact that his gaze is so blatantly unfocused.

He's taking in everything without really seeing it; his breathing is quick to even out, however, and after a moment his body relaxes against that futon he sleeps on, and any fear that may have been present in him is gone entirely, seeming to take any genuine fight he may have had along with it.

After a moment he sits up, and if he isn't hindered immediately by anything or anyone he'll get up and start pacing the length of the basement, the motion aimless and ultimately pointless, just something to do because...well, it's something to do.

He hasn't lost that odd, disconnected look in his eyes; he's not registering anything very well, that much is obvious.]

[TEXT]

[A text will be hitting the network shortly after Ishimaru wakes up and any discussions with people in person have been carried out; it's short and uncharacteristically careless, and he isn't paying much attention to the device after it's out there, though he'll respond eventually to anyone who replies.]

i'm awake

and i'm sorry

[OOC: Canon-updating completed, for good or ill.]

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It shouldn't.

[Blake's eyes have slid away from the screen.]

What's the plan? Hate yourself for it? Figure if you'd been better, or smarter, you could've saved them, but you didn't, so now the right thing to do is drive yourself nuts with how it should've been?

i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.

[..............]

i know it isn't.

i just don't know what else to do.

You keep going, and you hate the right guy: the son of a bitch who killed them.

If you give up, the sick bastard wins.

[ She wonders how far ahead he remembers now. Not that she...really knew how far behind he was or wasn't before. :|a ]

All right.

[ ... ]

It's better to focus on the people who care about you than the things that have happened that you can't change. Everyone really missed you.

i almost killed everyone back home because of this.

i wasn't thinking about it when i did it.

do you know what happened?

i think someone said you did.

I know all the culprits and victims from the first mutual killing event, and have the general outline...However, I don't know what you remember now or what you knew before you went to sleep.

That's not true of all of my classmates. We got the files late in the game.

[ So uh, some of them were rather dead. ]

Ah, and I think I know all of them for the island, too. The last trial I remember was the last trial, according to one of the others.

Edited (I'M DONE I SWEAR) 2014-01-14 14:11 (UTC)

fujisaki-kun's trial ended a while ago. a few days i think. i don't remember how long.

[...so yeah. Um.]

[ Fujisaki...

There's a pause, but not for too long. Just enough to sort of...sit quietly with that. That places him after the culprit's death but before the next victim. ]

I see. It's okay to not feel all right about things, I think.

[ ... ]

The thing I like to remember about this place when I miss her most is that it gives everyone the time and peace to make a future of their own. Whatever they might want that to be.

[ She edited the last bit a fair amount, trying to figure out how to word it, so the pause does end up being substantial. Whoops. ]

[Leon doesn't want to; he doesn't like seeing Ishimaru like this. But he forces himself to nod and to mumble to Ishimaru to get better soon as he exits the room.

The last time he tried calming someone down it had ended in a tragedy that had started their High School Life of Mutual Killing. As much as he wants to fix things...he'd learn a harsh lesson that he wasn't altogether suited for that purpose.]

i don't know how much that really matters, though.

we can go back at any time and we can't control it. either like i did, or just being sent back, all the way.

we don't remember anything. it doesn't matter, none of this does.

I think you've got that wrong.

Even if we don't remember, the time we spent here together won't fade away. The people you met and spoke with and befriended, even if you won't remember them, even if you leave this place, they still matter. The things you do and say here still matter.

The things we do and say will still have existed in this place. We'll still have been here. I think...that's really an important thing. And really a wonderful thing.

Even if someday we fade away, as long as this place remains and there are people here who live on, and people at home who survived and live on with the memory of those they lost - then it still matters.

That's what I think, at least. Life was never something anyone had any control over to begin with.

You went back there.

[He doesn't need to say where; he knows Ishimaru can fill in the blanks on his own. While he doesn't know what happened to Oowada, or exactly how badly Ishimaru took Oowada's death, he does know that Ishimaru holds himself to a high degree of responsibility over his class mates.]

You can't change what happened. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[...Well, the pause this time isn't because he's blanked out again, that much is for sure.]

stop it, nanami-kun. you don't understand.

sometimes it's not enough to think that people will remember you, if you're even right about that in the first place, and it's not enough to know that you were somewhere for a while.

this isn't something that you can look at like it's some sort of fact or logical thing, because it's not. sometimes people need to know that they actually did something. that their life amounted to something and that people will actually care when they're gone.

i just watched my only friend die because i couldn't save him. i nearly killed everyone else trying. in a couple of days i'm going to die alone because someone thought that i did something unspeakable to someone else, and it's likely no one is going to care except when it comes to finding the culprit so they don't all get killed. everything i'd dedicated my life to is wrong, everything i tried to do was for nothing.

everything i do here matters while we're here, but eventually everyone goes home and won't remember that, either.

you can't just say "if we fade away" when your existence was wasted in the first place.

it was my fault.

i don't know what else to do.

No it's not. Whoever who did this to you, that's whose fault it is.

You stick with your mission. It's not over yet.

[ ... ]

All right.

[ That's apparently it. She was asked to stop it, so she will. ]

[He doesn't say anything right away, his gaze darting away again and fixating on something elsewhere; he lets his hand scrape against the wall idly, and otherwise it's...again, as though Naegi isn't even there, as far as he's concerned.

Again, he has to force out what words he has to offer, when he does speak.]

...what happened...does it...really even matter, back home?

After my brother and I are...gone...does it matter to anyone...?

i know it's not over yet. we're not dead.

but i still should have been able to do something. i tried, but it wasn't enough.

[...well, you're getting the longest of pauses in response to that, but.]

i'm sorry.

Like what? You're a student. You're not trained to handle these situations. None of you were.

It was a set-up from the start.

[ She probably fell asleep. ]

You don't need to be. I'm not upset.

Bullshit. You never killed anybody.

[Blake doesn't know that, but he knows it.]

i didn't. i almost did, but i didn't.

i wasn't thinking. i did something that might have killed everyone.

it doesn't matter now, though.

You mean the killer would've killed everybody.

[It's a guess, but going by what he's heard about the sick bastard, it's a pretty safe one.]

You know the most fucked up part about going out on domestics? It's not the lady with the black eye and the bloody nose. It's how often she's yelling, let him go, it's my fault.

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