010. [Action for Dangan House/Text]

[ardent]

[ACTION]

[His first thought upon waking up is that he doesn't know where he is.

His body tenses immediately on that bed in the basement, jolting sharply awake as though he's been startled by something, as though he's just been sleeping and he's had a hell of a nightmare; his eyes are wide, his gaze shifting around the room as though he's trying to get some idea of his surroundings and what's happening around him, and he might just look disoriented if it weren't for the fact that his gaze is so blatantly unfocused.

He's taking in everything without really seeing it; his breathing is quick to even out, however, and after a moment his body relaxes against that futon he sleeps on, and any fear that may have been present in him is gone entirely, seeming to take any genuine fight he may have had along with it.

After a moment he sits up, and if he isn't hindered immediately by anything or anyone he'll get up and start pacing the length of the basement, the motion aimless and ultimately pointless, just something to do because...well, it's something to do.

He hasn't lost that odd, disconnected look in his eyes; he's not registering anything very well, that much is obvious.]


[TEXT]

[A text will be hitting the network shortly after Ishimaru wakes up and any discussions with people in person have been carried out; it's short and uncharacteristically careless, and he isn't paying much attention to the device after it's out there, though he'll respond eventually to anyone who replies.]

i'm awake

and i'm sorry


[OOC: Canon-updating completed, for good or ill.]

Comments

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's thinking the kid left. He puts down the phone but can't seem to focus on anything. He's not far away when it buzzes.

Two words. Real simple ones, but they manage not to make any damn sense. A cold feeling creeps over Blake.]

Whatever you're thinking, stop it. It's bullshit.

[ardent]

i'm okay.

it doesn't hurt anymore.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[oh hell whenever anybody says that, it's never a good sign. Blake's mind makes a sudden right turn. Maybe the kid wasn't talking about "not yet" in the back home sense, maybe he was talking about here and now.]

Oh fuck- did you get shot or something? Are you injured? Talk to me, Isshymaroo!

[ardent]

i'm not hurt here. or back home. not yet.

people died back home. i should have been able to save them.

i couldn't.

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Relief lasts for a good two seconds before the rest hits him like cinder blocks falling down on his back. He sits down heavily.]

Fuck.

So that's it.

[He's quiet for a while, face drawn, looking down at the scuff his shoe left on the carpet.

His voice comes out full of dirt and gravel.]

It happens.

[ardent]

[He isn't entirely sure what to do with that; there's another pause before he replies. Nowhere near as long as the last one, at least.]

it shouldn't.

[lieutenantantichrist]

It shouldn't.

[Blake's eyes have slid away from the screen.]

What's the plan? Hate yourself for it? Figure if you'd been better, or smarter, you could've saved them, but you didn't, so now the right thing to do is drive yourself nuts with how it should've been?

[ardent]

i don't know if it's the right thing to do or not.

[..............]

i know it isn't.

i just don't know what else to do.

[lieutenantantichrist]

You keep going, and you hate the right guy: the son of a bitch who killed them.

If you give up, the sick bastard wins.

[ardent]

i almost killed everyone back home because of this.

i wasn't thinking about it when i did it.

[lieutenantantichrist]

Bullshit. You never killed anybody.

[Blake doesn't know that, but he knows it.]

[ardent]

i didn't. i almost did, but i didn't.

i wasn't thinking. i did something that might have killed everyone.

it doesn't matter now, though.

[lieutenantantichrist]

You mean the killer would've killed everybody.

[It's a guess, but going by what he's heard about the sick bastard, it's a pretty safe one.]

You know the most fucked up part about going out on domestics? It's not the lady with the black eye and the bloody nose. It's how often she's yelling, let him go, it's my fault.

[ardent]

[It...takes a second, but...]

how do you stop hating yourself?

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake sighs heavily.] If I figure that out, kid, I'll tell you.

What you do is you don't let it slow you down. You keep moving, and you don't give the son of a bitch the satisfaction of fucking you up.

[ardent]

i'm trying.

even if it feels like they have.

[lieutenantantichrist]

You're still alive and you're still you. Hold onto that and use it to spit in their fuckin' eye.