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Entry tags:
- !ic,
- *action,
- *video,
- @carter blake,
- @chiaki nanami,
- @jimmy two-shoes,
- @kyouko kirigiri,
- @maka albarn,
- @makoto naegi,
- @parker,
- @walter,
- also the fuzzball legion,
- attempting to unbreak himself,
- come poke him or something,
- eevee drill squad,
- flawless social skills,
- honey do you talk to humans,
- honor student failed feelings 101,
- inspiring the masses,
- ishimaru please stop talking,
- lots of feelings about justice,
- oh honey no,
- prayer circle for johto,
- really now,
- someone make him stop,
- we are yelling!!,
- you tried
012. Video/Action for Goldenrod City
[VIDEO]
[Ishimaru is outside again today, seeming to be taking advantage of the nice weather while it holds; at least he's looking at the camera today, and his gaze is shifting...a little less, maybe. He still seems a bit tired but at least he's calm; the view behind him is, once again, that square in Goldenrod near the Center.]
The place I came from put a lot of emphasis on punishment...both for what we did, and what we didn't do. Failure to act in a certain way, to do as we were told, was punished; failure to not act in the way that we were expected to was likewise punished. Rules and laws and "justice" were used to control us, not to guide or help us; instead of keeping us safe, they were used to tear us down.
No matter what we did, we were going to be wrong.
[His voice remains firm but calm through all that; he's not shouting, but he doesn't seem about to cry, either. Just...working through it, really.]
When situations are hard like that, and seem unwinnable, it's easy to forget what justice is intended for. It's meant to protect people, and most importantly, it's meant to give people hope - for themselves, and for the future!
So even if...even if you haven't always done what's right, even if you've made mistakes or taken punishment - if you choose to do right afterwards, the wrong you've done doesn't have to define you!
I think there comes a time when you deserve to be considered good again!
[...yep, there's the shouting.]
It's not going to be easy - it's something I'm still working on, too. But if we're willing to work hard and not lose hope, I think we'll all be all right, in the end! We just have to do our best.
I hope today is both good and productive for you, and if not, I know that tomorrow will be better!
[ACTION]
[Returning to Goldenrod City has been...strange.
It's not strange in the way that coming to a new place tends to be strange, or perhaps returning to an old place that's changed drastically in your absence; there's no lack of familiarity, and if anything the strangeness is caused by just the opposite - there's a weird sense of returning home to it, and Ishimaru isn't entirely sure what to do with that. He hasn't felt that way since before Hope's Peak; it's weird to experience it now, but it's not altogether unwelcome.
...granted, it's not something he has long to dwell on; he finishes the video and takes a while to just...collect himself, but eventually he heads back to the house. And as soon as he manages to get the front door opened there's a sudden sharp skittering of nails against the floor and the vibrations of twenty-odd Eevees hup-hup-hupping their way down the stairs, and he flinches a little and braces for the moment where the swarm hits -
And then there's a thud, and there is quite simply nothing.
...
... ... ...
Huh.
It takes him a moment to open his eyes, given that they'd slid closed while he was in the middle of preparing for impact; apparently the thud was the fuzzball legion all sitting in unison, and now they're just kind of parked on the floor and headtilting like confused pugs because grandpa's home and we sat and why is he just standing there.
He's clearly going to be spending some time playing with the fuzzballs today, because oh my god they did so well. c: ]
[Ishimaru is outside again today, seeming to be taking advantage of the nice weather while it holds; at least he's looking at the camera today, and his gaze is shifting...a little less, maybe. He still seems a bit tired but at least he's calm; the view behind him is, once again, that square in Goldenrod near the Center.]
The place I came from put a lot of emphasis on punishment...both for what we did, and what we didn't do. Failure to act in a certain way, to do as we were told, was punished; failure to not act in the way that we were expected to was likewise punished. Rules and laws and "justice" were used to control us, not to guide or help us; instead of keeping us safe, they were used to tear us down.
No matter what we did, we were going to be wrong.
[His voice remains firm but calm through all that; he's not shouting, but he doesn't seem about to cry, either. Just...working through it, really.]
When situations are hard like that, and seem unwinnable, it's easy to forget what justice is intended for. It's meant to protect people, and most importantly, it's meant to give people hope - for themselves, and for the future!
So even if...even if you haven't always done what's right, even if you've made mistakes or taken punishment - if you choose to do right afterwards, the wrong you've done doesn't have to define you!
I think there comes a time when you deserve to be considered good again!
[...yep, there's the shouting.]
It's not going to be easy - it's something I'm still working on, too. But if we're willing to work hard and not lose hope, I think we'll all be all right, in the end! We just have to do our best.
I hope today is both good and productive for you, and if not, I know that tomorrow will be better!
[ACTION]
[Returning to Goldenrod City has been...strange.
It's not strange in the way that coming to a new place tends to be strange, or perhaps returning to an old place that's changed drastically in your absence; there's no lack of familiarity, and if anything the strangeness is caused by just the opposite - there's a weird sense of returning home to it, and Ishimaru isn't entirely sure what to do with that. He hasn't felt that way since before Hope's Peak; it's weird to experience it now, but it's not altogether unwelcome.
...granted, it's not something he has long to dwell on; he finishes the video and takes a while to just...collect himself, but eventually he heads back to the house. And as soon as he manages to get the front door opened there's a sudden sharp skittering of nails against the floor and the vibrations of twenty-odd Eevees hup-hup-hupping their way down the stairs, and he flinches a little and braces for the moment where the swarm hits -
And then there's a thud, and there is quite simply nothing.
...
... ... ...
Huh.
It takes him a moment to open his eyes, given that they'd slid closed while he was in the middle of preparing for impact; apparently the thud was the fuzzball legion all sitting in unison, and now they're just kind of parked on the floor and headtilting like confused pugs because grandpa's home and we sat and why is he just standing there.
He's clearly going to be spending some time playing with the fuzzballs today, because oh my god they did so well. c: ]
anonymous text
Oh yeah? And how long does that take, you think? How much time has to pass, how much effort do you have to put in to proving you're not an irredeemable sack of shit before it becomes true?
text forever on this end
There are a lot of factors involved, I think - it's not something with one definite answer for everyone. The way it's going to happen depends on what happened, and a lot of it has to do with how you feel about it yourself.
But I don't think anyone's irredeemable unless they choose to be.
anonymous until further notice. maybe the whole thread maybe not, we just don't know
How you feel about it yourself? What, just being really, really sorry is enough? Because I gotta disagree if that's what you're trying to say.
There's nothing a person could do to make you think that they don't deserve forgiveness? Nothing at all?
no subject
That isn't what I'm trying to say at all, actually. But there's a difference between someone who doesn't think they're doing something wrong and is just seeking forgiveness because they've been told they should, and someone who's genuinely sorry but isn't sure how to make amends. The latter is more forgivable, as far as I'm concerned, because they know they've done wrong and aren't sure how to rectify it, whereas someone who knows all the right things to say but doesn't mean any of it is far less so and doesn't deserve it.
And there are things that will make me not forgive someone, but that doesn't mean that that person doesn't deserve to be cared about by anyone. Again, though, it comes back to how they choose to be and how they feel about it - if they're unrepentant about it at all, then they don't deserve forgiveness.
no subject
But even having grown up in that sort of world, the idea that everyone deserves to at least have one person care about them... It has a nice appeal to it. I want to say I agree with you, but I can't.
no subject
If that's how things are handled in the sort of world you came from, then so be it - I have my own thoughts on how things like that should be done, of course, but if that sort of binding arrangement exists between action and punishment where you're from, then it really isn't up for debate, I think. Whoever's wronging you is doing it with knowledge that punishment will be exacted in that way, and they're choosing to do it anyway; those in the wrong really can't complain when there are consequences for their actions, that's just common sense.
I came from somewhere with some pretty messed up rules in place, and I've done things I'm not proud of as a result, because those rules were absolute. I'm not going to say that I don't deserve to be held accountable for what I did, because my reason for doing it doesn't change the fact that I did it at all, and what I did affected people; I'm not going to say that I deserve to have someone care about me, either, because that's not really my place to decide. But the fact is that people do, even if I don't know the reason why.
I don't know if saying everyone deserves to have someone care about them is exactly right; it's just that it's not really anyone's place to say that people don't deserve that, if that makes sense?
some minor spoilers
[Though...then again...maybe it's not what it sounds like. Maybe they're alike in more ways than just not being crazy about the idea of inter-class buddying up. Because Kuzuryuu knows better than anybody in his class how it's possible to be responsible for somebody's death without actually doing the deed with your own two hands.]
[Maybe that's what he means by "things I'm not proud of".]
Exactly. Everybody knows what's up, so the system works. Though...sometimes part of me wonders if maybe it isn't actually the best way to do shit. Especially during the times when I'm around people like you. People who don't come from that same background. Actually, I'm kind of surprised that you sort of understand. Not why we do it the way we do, but that that's how things work even if it's something you don't agree with. Most people don't. Which I can't really hold against them, since that's just how people are.
But you tell me if you ever meet someone who's truly lived a life without regrets. It's not possible, everyone's done shit they aren't proud of. At least you recognize that it's your own damn fault, fucked up rules or not.
It makes a little more sense when you put it that way, yeah. Or it's a little easier to agree with, I guess? I dunno, maybe I'm more of a cold-hearted bastard than I give myself credit for but...there are some people in my life that I can't bring myself to wish anything but misery on. It's hard to put that feeling aside and say something like "yeah this asshole deserves to have somebody care about them, despite the shit they've pulled."
no subject
Huh.
It's weird, but you know what, he'll work with it.]
A couple of weeks before this place brought me here, back home, I wouldn't have understood at all. I probably would have yelled at you for it, and said it was barbaric and insisted that you needed to work to change things to make things better for everyone. I still think that things should change, don't misunderstand, because I don't agree with that way of operating, and if it's making you question it as well then I think that if you're ever in a position to institute change, you should. But sometimes things aren't that simple, and sometimes you have to accept things for what they are even if you don't like them, and sometimes you have to accept that other people's lives aren't yours. It took me too long to learn that back home and bad things happened as a result, and I want to avoid that happening again.
As for whether I wish misery on people or not, I guess I think that way because I've been the person left caring for someone that everyone else decided deserved to be hated. I resented it, and if I'm honest I hated them too, but just because I hate someone doesn't mean I want to see them suffer. I've been told that's strange and I accept that, but it's just the sort of person I've always been.
There's someone else I knew once, though...that's the one person I can think of where I don't understand why anyone would care about them. If they were brought here I wouldn't wish suffering on them, because I don't wish suffering on people in general, but they're dead back home and I sort of hope they stay that way. It sounds terrible to say that and I don't like it, but I think it's what they deserve after what they've done.
no subject
Well it's not like you would have been the first to tell me something like that. But I'm kinda glad that's not the case. It's nice to finally hear someone say all that stuff. I never asked for people like you to agree with my way of life or even condone it...just to try and understand. Though even something like that seemed impossible. But even if I go back home one day, a change to the system like that...I don't think it's possible. Best I can do at this point is work on changing myself.
[Which...he's been trying to do for a while now and it's sort of working but also change is hard. So hard...]
Yeah, you're kind of a weird one from what I can tell. But maybe that's not such a bad thing in your case.
no subject
Well, you can't really underestimate changing yourself, either, and the power that can have. Maybe I'm just optimistic, but that has potential to change others as well - and even if it doesn't, if it means you can make peace with yourself and reach your own potential to the best of your ability, then I think it would be well worth it anyway.
I think the best way to explain what I want is for everyone to be okay, even if they can't be okay on a permanent basis. I know I'm not, and I know a lot of people that aren't. But if I can make things okay for others for a while - if I can help them somehow, when they need it - then that's enough for me. I'm not always the best at communicating with people, but I don't mind talking about things, if you want to talk about things. You should be able to reach me again, now that we've talked; if you want to send me anything, even anonymously like this, you can - I don't really mind.
[...yeahno though, this is just getting kind of surreal.]
What do you mean when you refer to people like me, though?
anon text --> video; filtered
[Okay so this conversation was straying too far into "frustratingly cryptic and vague" territory for Kuzuryuu's taste so we're just throwing all caution to the wind here and giving up the anon. Because really, all he meant by "people like you" was "people who are not involved in the yakuza" and clearly this format switch is the best way to get that point across.]
[Uh. Hi there. This probably explains some shit. Like...basically everything that was sending up little red flags this entire conversation long.]
Get it now?
video; filtered
He tenses up visibly at that, because his kneejerk response is to do exactly what he said he was trying to get better about not doing - there's a difference between what's rightfully considered law and what's outright criminal behavior, and it's incredibly difficult to justify things like what has been said in this conversation with all the information now out in the open. If he's going to be blunt, this feels incredibly deceptive; he can't be sure if it really is or if there's some nuance here that he's not picking up on, but for the time being, well...there you go.
Riled though he may be, however, he manages to bite it back before he says anything; this is...frustrating, but it doesn't change everything that's been said, does it?
I never asked for people like you to agree with my way of life or even condone it...just to try and understand.
Right, then. Regardless of the situation, that's still...a thing. Good lord, we've come full circle and we're squarely back at "Wow, this sure is a thing."]
...I do, yes.
[He pauses for a moment before continuing; it's awkward, but this is pretty much par for the course as he goes anyway.]
The offer still stands - to talk whenever you want. I don't mind.
no subject
[At this thing that sure is a thing.]
You can relax, you know. It's not like I'm going to attack you or anything.
[Because he totally noticed that tensing up and immediately sort of regretted showing his face. Whatever though, it's not like he's not used to that sort of reaction by now! He doesn't care!]
[Holy hell this is so awkward.]
[...]
...thanks. I should have said that at least once before now. Because regardless of whatever you might be thinking right now...this helped. You helped.
[Right then.]
no subject
[...]
I'm told I never relax anyway, so a lot of that is just how things always are!
[...Ishimaru...]
no subject
[Why couldn't you just have left it at the part about believing him? Why. What do you say to this.]
[...]
...you don't have to make excuses. I'm used to that sort of reaction by now. People have trouble relaxing when I'm around, and why shouldn't they? So really, it's just...it doesn't matter.
[Where is this conversation even going now and what is the point. How is it possible for both of them to be this socially inept?
At least they haven't started yelling yet?]no subject
If it didn't matter, you wouldn't say anything about it - and besides, making excuses isn't anything I do, it's insulting to everyone involved.
[...yeah, I doubt anyone knows where the hell this is going anymore, but god, it's making great time in getting there.]
no subject
[Because he's absolutely right. It does matter. God job on being one of the few people to actually have the balls to call Kuzuryuu out on his tsundere bullshit. He makes a weird, strangled sort of noise. As though he somehow managed to choke on whatever it was he wanted to say.]
That isn't... Fucking... [Words. How do they work.] I-If you're not making excuses then why did you tense up when you saw me!? You weren't that tense before!
no subject
Because I wasn't expecting this to be anyone I knew, even briefly, much less someone from the same world that I came from?! What was I supposed to do when surprised by something like that?
[...You know what, that's close enough.]
1/2
That--! [That...okay that makes a lot of sense. And he hadn't actually stopped to consider that option because it's Kuzuryuu so OF COURSE he was going to assume it was a slight against him. Because he does that more than he should. It's one of the things he needs to work on.]
Y...you--!! [FRUSTRATED SIGH. He's lost this argument entirely.]
2/2
...I'm sorry.
[Oh hey, what do you know. It's one of those apology things they were talking about back before this whole trainwreck started. And one that doesn't involve bleeding, because thankfully this particular grievance doesn't fall high enough to warrant that.]
I wasn't trying to piss you off I just... Look, maybe you were right. Maybe it does bother me when people react like that. I just...fuck, I don't know.
[An Attempt Was Made. It's kind of a wonky, bad attempt, but it's an attempt nonetheless.]
no subject
It's okay! I'm not mad or anything.
[... :|a ]
And for what it's worth, I'm not afraid of you or whatever people might think you'll do - you haven't given me reason to be.
no subject
Heh...yeah, you're definitely kind of a weird guy alright. Though I think I can say with more certainty now that that's not such a bad thing in your case.